In a stunning display of grit and poor risk assessment, the Indianapolis Colts have announced they will continue to field starting quarterback Daniel Jones, who, sources confirm, has been piloting the offense for the past fortnight with what medical professionals casually refer to as “a broken leg bone.” Team officials were reportedly swayed by Jones’s compelling argument: “It’s only the fibula. It’s basically decorative.”
This steadfast commitment is, of course, underpinned by a rock-solid contingency plan. Waiting in the wings, should Jones’s skeleton finally vote to unionize, is the Colts’ crown jewel: 2023’s fourth overall pick, Anthony Richardson Sr.
Richardson remains on Injured Reserve, diligently working his way back from the latest entry in his burgeoning medical dossier: an orbital fracture. Coach Shane Steichen, providing a masterclass in understatement, confirmed Richardson is “not cleared for football-related activities,” a category that presumably excludes the activity that caused the injury.
The incident, now etched into Colts lore, occurred during a critical pregame ritual. While using an elastic stretch band a tool famously fraught with peril in the locker room, the apparatus’s mounting bar experienced a critical failure. In an act of betrayal, it launched itself into Richardson’s face. The lesson is clear: the human face is no match for a rebellious piece of gym equipment.
“Any time you’re dealing with an eye, you want to make sure he’s got full vision in that eye,” Steichen elaborated, showcasing a breathtaking grasp of ocular priorities. Richardson’s vision, temporarily compromised by the swelling and subsequent surgery, is reportedly clearing. The team’s medical staff is monitoring him closely, using advanced techniques like holding up fingers and asking, “How many?”
This leaves the Colts’ quarterback room a portrait of robust health. The depth chart now reads:
- Daniel Jones: Functioning lower limb (optional).
- Anthony Richardson: One good eye (progressing nicely).
- Rookie Riley Leonard: Has never, in his professional career, successfully completed a forward pass to a teammate. He is, therefore, the healthiest and most dependable of the three.
The Colts’ strategy is a bold one: navigate the season with a quarterback unit held together by hope, surgical glue, and the faint memory of what a fully operational human body looks like. General Manager Chris Ballard, when asked for comment, was seen vigorously nodding and pointing to a whiteboard that simply read: “AVAILABILITY IS A SKILL?”
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