INDIANAPOLIS – In a shocking and deeply concerning development, Colts running back Jonathan Taylor appears to have misplaced his superpowers. The disappearance, which authorities are calling “The Slump,” began roughly 14 days ago and has left fans, fantasy owners, and MVP voters utterly bewildered.
Just weeks ago, Taylor was a force of nature. In a Week 10 performance against the Falcons so dominant it should have been narrated by David Attenborough, he galloped for 244 yards, casually breaking tackles and the spirits of Atlanta defenders. Analysts were already clearing mantle space for his MVP trophy, and local zoos were inquiring about his diet and habitat.
Then, inexplicably, the magic vanished.
In the two games since, Taylor has been clocked at a pedestrian 3.9 yards per carry. For a man who had been averaging a robust 5.7, this is the statistical equivalent of a Formula 1 car being passed by a golf cart. The once-automatic 8-yard gains have been replaced by 2-yard plods into a wall of humanity.
“We’re looking into everything,” said a grim-faced Coach Shane Steichen at his Monday press conference. “We’ve checked his cleats for faulty tractor beams, reviewed the GPS data to ensure he wasn’t accidentally running in quicksand, and even had our nutritionist confirm he’s still eating his Wheaties. The investigation is ongoing.”
Theories abound, but the leading suspects are clear:
- The Schedule Got Real: Experts believe Taylor may have been traumatized by back-to-back meetings with actual, functioning NFL defenses (Kansas City and Houston). Sources indicate he was heard muttering, “They’re supposed to try to tackle you?” in the locker room after the game.
- The Early-Down Conspiracy: Insiders report the Colts’ offense has fallen victim to a sinister plot known as “first-and-ten” and “second-and-long.” This has forced the team into the dreaded “obvious passing situation,” a scenario so predictable that opposing defenses have started sending Taylor thank-you cards for the advance notice.
- The Touch Paradox: A vocal contingent of armchair analysts insists the solution is to give Taylor more carries, arguing his best runs come after he’s worn down the defense. This is akin to solving a car’s engine trouble by insisting it just needs to be driven faster. The Colts, however, can’t seem to get the engine—or the drive—started.
The city is on edge. Merchants report a run on sackcloth and ashes. Children are being told bedtime stories about the days when a handoff meant a first down.
Until further notice, the Colts’ most dangerous weapon has been downgraded to “mildly concerning.” The search for the real Jonathan Taylor continues. If found, please return him to Lucas Oil Stadium immediately. A city’s hopes, and a million fantasy playoffs, depend on it.
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